Relationships and SL

It's strange, and many who do not know how SL can 'get under the skin' would probably think us silly, or even a little demented for letting our emotions get the better of us in what has been described as a 'game'. Those of us in the know of course are aware that SL is anything but a game, and it's an environment where emotional attachments of the deepest variety can be developed, and sometimes sustained over long periods of time. I've met avis who’ve maintained an intimate style relationship for three and four years or more, which must bump the average up considerably, however, statistics show that the average is about a month.

However, this is probably the most superficial way of viewing SL relationships, which are every bit as complex as those in RL... And every bit as consuming, and as full of 'drama' when it comes to an end. I see much animosity directed towards so called drama. There are of course 'drama queens' in SL as there are in RL, but if normal human emotion is drama, then god help those who say they aren't into drama. Sure, emotions can be messy, but if you think SL is an excuse for you to not feel anything, or not accept that others may feel emotionally, then you're probably in the wrong place, and need to have a bit of a rethink. Besides, in my experience, it's the very people who say they're against drama who are the ones who do drama the best, or is that emotion?

I don't do drama very well, but I do feel intensely. I'm often not always aware of how it is I may feel towards an individual, and perhaps it's only in my quiet times that I become aware of how it is I feel, and how deeply. This may make me seem a cold person, and perhaps a little unfeeling, but I do feel, it's just that I do not trust words – perhaps as a result of being a writer, I know how words can be manipulated to mean almost anything.

Until recently, I was in a very intense relationship in SL. It was almost everything I was looking for, and, to be honest, I'd started to worry that my RL commitments, and those of my then partner were beginning to make it seem that there might be little future in the relationship. I feared that, sooner or later either she, or I would find the lack of time together too much to bear, and the relationship would come to an end. Being a practical, no nonsense kind of person, I decided on telling my partner about my fears, and suggesting that we needed to talk about it. The context of that message should have been enough to indicate that it was a concern, and though serious, did not suggest that the relationship was under any immediate threat. I certainly didn't want that, and neither did my partner, as far as I was aware. However, her reaction was quite extreme; she had interpreted my words as a sign that I was terminating the relationship, and basically she ran. That in itself was a huge shock, as I had thought this person level headed enough to realise that our relationship had just reached a slightly wobbly bit, as often relationships do. That being so, I did not expect to be accused of infidelity to boot! (I had sent her a copy earlier of a conversation I'd had with someone who was 'trying it on' with me that I'd found amusing, and, OK, I do flirt a bit, but...)

Our relationship was intense, intellectually intense. Sex was as good as sex can be in SL, (and I'm still not sure I 'get' sex in SL, it does seem a little perverse to me, though I do still indulge, as it's not just about me, and others so obviously get a lot out of it) though perhaps a little too infrequent for her. For me at least, it was intellectually satisfying to a degree I have not experienced before or since in SL, though I do have some very stimulating friends, it's somehow different – when you're with someone who you can hold a conversation with about, variously, computer hardware/software, the aesthetics of modern architecture, culture and politics and still be on the same page you know you've found someone special, with whom you have something special. We had a lot of fun, sometimes just goofing about, dressing up as terroristas, complete with Castroesque cigars, (and guns) I often felt a little guilty at not being able to verbally express my feelings towards her, but as I've already explained, I mistrust words so, and given the swiftness of her departure, I have unfortunately begun to doubt the sincerity of her expressed feelings when we were together, though I have no doubt they were meant at the time they were said, perhaps they were superficial expressions? I don't know.

All I do know now that three weeks have passed is that I miss her in a way that I did not expect. It would be too much to hope for her return, as we both have accused each other of being less than serious, and have done some serious emotional damage in other ways.

I don't know if I'll allow myself to succumb to another SL relationship. There is something slightly absurd to the notion of falling in love with an avatar, or the person behind it, someone who will be, and remain, to all intents and purposes, a stranger. Yes, I did feel for that person in a real way, as I still do, and that is what will hold me back from forming such a strong bond with anyone in future. It causes too much hurt, too much drama when it goes wrong. I will undoubtedly forge strong friendships in SL, and hope that I'll be able to maintain them, but as I have difficulty maintaining friendships in RL, due to my wacky work pattern, I think I could have difficulty in SL too... though SL does offer some hope, as most of my friends are from a very different timezone to me, and that is a huge help. But, then so was my ex.

And what I do miss most of her, is the intellectual stimulation, the closeness that brought and of course the sharing of ideas, the learning together, the fact that we understood each others humour. If your out there, and reading this, please think about this – we have both lost in this, and whilst you said this more eloquently than I ever could, (and still sound convincing) we were good together, and we still could be. You are right to feel aggrieved by some of the things I have done, but they were for your eyes only, no one else's, and yours are the only eyes that still see that. I too have reason to be upset, but there is no apportioning of blame here, it takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it, and, no matter what anyone says, there is almost always a shared responsibility in the way a relationship ends, the only real exception to this rule is when one of the partners dies. If there are difficulties, it's best to face them, to talk about them as dispassionately as possible, and not let the inner child get the upper hand. Sadly both of us allowed that, and now we find ourselves apart, and poorer for that.